Blood Ties - Episode 22: Jamestown
Blood Ties - Episode 21: Welcome To The Neighborhood
Blood Ties - Episode 20: Blood Dies
If the European Union was a family, who would each member be?
- Germany would be the father and head of the family which everyone has to listen to; his house, his rules; if you don't act according to his rules, you get punished. He means well and truly wants what's best for everyone, but most of the time acts like the deadbeat dad complaining about how nobody wants to get along.
- France is the mother, she married Germany for his money, favors some of her children but in the end, follows her husband's wishes. Has a couple of glasses of wine when no one is looking. Then a few more. Why? Because Germany used to be abusive towards her and the scars remain even if he has shaped up to be a better man since then.
- The UK is the slightly drunk, embarrassing uncle whom nobody ever hears from anymore. Before he left the family to become part of a strange isolationist community, you would find him at every family wedding. He had a few good jokes which everyone would politely laugh at. You always gave him the best seat at the high table, but it was never enough, was it? Last time anyone ever heard from him was a phonecall in which he stated that he needed gas-money.
- Ireland is an aunt who tries to convince everyone she has nothing to do with the UK.
- Italy is the old grandfather who is fed up with his son Germany telling him what to do. Pretends to be cultivated, but has a manipulative dark side. Wrecked a yacht once, which everybody but him finds hilarious.
- Greece is the demented, once wise, grandmother who made all the wrong choices, ended up in colossal debt and, to her credit, is miraculously still alive.
- Spain is a cousin who has a hypochondriacal disease; he thinks he has lepra and thus every moment can lose a leg. The other members try to convince him otherwise. Likes to play music when times are bleak. Has a mental disorder which manifests as an imaginary friend who wants to separate from him. Owns beachfront property which most of the family members enjoy to visit.
- Portugal is a cousin who is too often mistaken for Spain as they look very similar; usually revealed to be Portugal when he speaks, because while they may look alike, they sound nothing alike. Really good at football and is usually the family's best hope to beat their south-american rivals Brazil in the intercontinental championships; a rival who sounds suspsiciously exactly like Portugal. #mindBlown
- Belgium is a well-meaning son who tries to hold the family together, but rarely feels that the others take him seriously.
- The Netherlands is a rebelling daughter who thinks she knows how to deal with things herself. Started early with drugs and is the spokesperson for legalizing as many narcotic substances as possible. She is also pro-sexwork; strongly believing that an adult person has the full right to decide over his/her own body.
- Sweden is the opinionated cousin who is the exact opposite of the Netherlands. He plays in a metal band and makes all kinds of music which everybody in the family listen to, but contrary to his artistic image, he despises drugs. He also feels very strongly about healthcare, immigration and the unconditional prohibition of consensual sexwork. Sweden comes off as sensible, but a bit of a know-it-all and while generally people get along with him, he can at times be annoying when he preaches social issues. Constantly gets roofied by mother Russia; a close-by neighbor, who likes to watch Sweden across the bar like a creepy stalker and frequently buys him drinks; usually a "U-Boot", in the hopes of getting lucky.
- Finland is the second alcoholic uncle, but unlike the UK, Finland is no quitter, does his job and takes no more than what he is entitled to. Respectable, but weird. He has a strong bond with Sweden, except when they watch sports together. Used to be groped by mother Russia in his early years and goes to therapy for it.
- Denmark is yet another uncle; the one who thinks he’s better than everyone else because he is the most educated and has the best job. Flirts with the Netherlands and looks down on Sweden for his strong views on sexwork and immigration. Steals vaccine-shipments when no one is looking.
- The Baltic States are triplets who revolted and emancipated from their abusive mother Russia when she went under a different name (Seriously, why isn't that old hag in jail yet?); currently they are adopted by Germany and France. They are viewed as the Huey, Dewey and Louie of the family, but everybody admire them in secret for standing up to and leaving their horrible mother.
- Poland and Hungary are distant relatives who have some shady business and don't play fair at card games, but still manage to be tolerated in the family. Poland doesn't particularly like Germany all that much because of his racist jokes.
- The Czech Republic is a daughter who was once one half of the conjoined twins "Czechoslovakia", but surgery in 1993 made her a single person. She claims to have invented beer, which is why she is in conflict with Belgium and Germany who say otherwise.
- Slovakia was once the other half of "Czechoslovakia"; the secret that none in the family ever speak of. She has the closest bond with Poland and Hungary for one reason or another.
- Romania is a cousin who will fix everything for a small price as he needs the money. Badly.
- Croatia and Slovenia are two cousins who own a big mansion together by the sea. They used to be part of a youth organization called "Yugoslavia", but left as they didn't get along with a kid named Serbia.
- Bulgaria is an old uncle who disputes that the mansion of Croatia and Slovenia is more beautiful than his, but everyone is too afraid to go there because Turkey could be there any one of these days.
- Austria is a niece who thinks she's so beautiful, but never could marry and has a history of incest with the whole Balkan.
- Luxemburg is the youngest son who doesn’t understand why everyone is fighting and arguing.
